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    高二寫作技法:“放下顧慮”作文導寫


    展示個性風采 打造精品文章——2012年高考全國大綱卷作文解析

     

    趙福海

     

        【真題再現】

        閱讀下面的材料,根據要求寫一篇不少于800字的文章。(60分)

        周末,我從學校回家幫著干農活。今春雨多,道路泥濘,我挑著一擔秧苗,在溜滑的田埂上走了沒幾步,就心跳加速,雙腿發抖,擔子直晃,只好放下,不知所措地站在那里。

        媽媽在田里插秧,看到我的窘態,大聲地喊:“孩子,外衣脫了,鞋子脫了,再試試!”

        我脫了外衣和鞋襪,卷起褲腳,重新挑起擔子。咦,一下子就覺得腳底下穩當了,擔子輕了,很快就把秧苗挑到媽媽跟前。

        媽媽說:“你不是沒能力挑這個擔子,你是擔心摔倒,弄臟衣服,注意力不集中。脫掉外衣和鞋襪,就甩掉了多余的顧慮。”

        要求選好角度,確定立意,明確文體,自擬標題。不要脫離材料內容及含意的范圍作文,不要套作,不得抄襲。

        【閱卷感受】

        很多考生都為閱卷者帶來了新穎之感。一些考生能夠避俗就新,反彈琵琶,另辟蹊徑,通過新穎的素材,發表獨特的觀點,如:位高權重者敢于“放下顧慮”,知法犯法;制造商、食品生產商們也“放下了顧慮”,制假販假……我們“放下”了太多,真的不能再“放下”了。

        也有一些考生的論述不是很準確。比如一些考生寫到杞人憂天的故事,并直接將故事引述到了文章里面,卻沒有自己的分析;有一些考生使用了“女童悅悅被碾壓致死”這一素材,卻在分析時強調如果懷著敬畏生命之心,就會產生救助他人的勇氣,找回曾經丟失的良知這種觀點,未免牽強。

        【文題解析】

        一、材料透視

        從題目所給材料內容看,2012年全國大綱卷作文題目,是一次傳統作文命題思路的回歸。在經歷了2010年的漫畫作文、2011年的時評類作文之后,2012年的作文命題選取了簡單的材料作文形式。而且,這一題目充分體現了高考作文命題的時代性和思辨性特征,有著很鮮明的人文色彩,適合考生表達自己的情感價值觀。整個材料的事實很簡單:挑擔子的時候,脫掉外衣和鞋襪,也就甩掉了多余的顧慮,這樣,就可以很好地完成任務了。因此,這一材料所表現的,是一種非常簡單的立意方向:放下顧慮。應該說,材料在審題立意方面降低了難度,考生寫作的自由度增大,適合寫出充滿個性的作品。

        二、個性構思

        因為題目簡單,可以在構思方面多下一些工夫。

       1.從因“放下顧慮”而取得成功這一角度,可以寫記敘文。在具體構思時,可以通過一些巧妙的記敘方式,表達豐富的思想情感。編織巧妙的波折,可以使文章在起伏中開展情節;安排合理的誤會,可以使文章在解疑的過程中升華思想;設置精彩的懸念,可以使文章形成一種強烈的震撼效果。另外,典型的環境描寫,生動的特寫鏡頭,也都可以使文章更顯新穎與別致。

       2.從“放下顧慮”的表現形式這一角度,可以寫議論文。在具體構思時,可以運用多種巧妙的形式。點面結合,多方選取與“放下顧慮”相關的素材,重點突出兩個,其他一筆帶過,可以使文章的深度與廣度都得到體現;對比中融合并列,主體部分采用對比,突出“帶著顧慮”與“放下顧慮”的區別,在各部分又并列呈現,可以使整篇文章層次鮮明,內涵深刻。

       3.從“放下顧慮”帶來的啟迪這一角度,可以寫記敘文、散文、議論文。在具體寫作時,可以靈活組織文章內容,采用情感傾訴的方式,可以通過一種生動的心理描寫,在充滿深情的內心獨白中展示“放下顧慮”時的感受;也可以用以小見大的方式,通過生活中平凡的事件,表現普通的人生哲理,突出“放下顧慮”的作用。另外,也可以在敘述過程中以論述性的語句點睛,使記敘的內容得到一種升華。

        【立意角度】

        這一題目的立意角度較為單一,因此考生在審題時的難度不大。

       1.放下顧慮。每個人都會有產生顧慮的時候,這時,就需要我們能夠保持一種良好的心態,積極調整自己,不斷鼓勵自己,最終放下顧慮,以樂觀的心態面對人生。

       2.超越自己。超越自己,就是通過不斷的奮斗戰勝自己,戰勝自己內心深處的困擾與陰霾。只有超越了自己,才能去超越他人,走向成功。

       3.輕松人生。人生需要輕松,需要去掉束縛在自己身上的枷鎖。輕松的人生,能夠讓我們體會到生命的快樂,能夠讓我們感受到世界的精彩。

        【相關素材】

        放下人生的包袱

        一個青年背著個大包裹千里迢迢跑來見無際大師,他說:“大師,我是那樣的孤獨、痛苦與寂寞,長期的跋涉使我疲倦到極點;我的鞋子破了,荊棘割破雙腳;手也受傷了,流血不止;嗓子因為大聲呼喊而喑啞……為什么我還不能找到心中的陽光?”

        大師問:“你的大包裹里裝的是什么?”青年說:“它對我可重要了。里面裝的是我每一次跌倒時的痛苦,每一次受傷后的哭泣,每一次孤寂時的煩惱……靠了它,我才走到了你這兒來。”

        于是無際大師帶青年來到河邊,他們坐船過了河。上岸后,大師說:“你扛著船趕路吧!”“什么,扛著船趕路?”青年很驚訝,“它那么沉,我扛得動嗎?”“是的,你扛不動它。”大師微微一笑,說,“過河時,船是有用的。但過河后,我們就要放下船趕路,否則它會變成我們的包袱。痛苦、孤獨、寂寞、災難、眼淚,這些對人生都是有用的。它能使生命得到升華,但須臾不忘,就成了人生的包袱。放下它吧!孩子,生命不能太負重。”

        青年放下包袱,繼續趕路,他發覺自己的步子輕松而愉悅,比以前快得多。

    【點評】

        每個人都在趕路,但走在路上,該放下的就得及時放下,這樣,才能走得輕松。如果將自己的包袱裝得滿滿的,尤其是那些痛苦、孤獨、寂寞、災難、眼淚等,會將自己壓得喘不過氣來。

    【考場佳作】

    放下顧慮

    一考生

        生活,是交織著苦與樂的酒。人生旅途中,我們會遇到一個又一個新的環境,也會面對一個又一個新的問題,這時,不要擔心,更不能有所顧慮,要保持一種輕松的心境,從容地迎接每一次心靈的沖動。

        內心輕松的人,面對紛繁的生活,他們會興奮,他們會激動,他們會用所有的熱情去擁抱生活,會讓自己在體驗成功的快感中體驗最充實的人生。

        就像于連,他放下了所有的顧慮,積極投身名利場中,在這片屬于自己的天地里,他盡得風流。雖然,他也承受了很多次的打擊;雖然,他也經歷了無數次的困難。但是,他沒有把這些放在心上,而是以一種最樂觀的品質,輕輕松松面對著所有挑戰。雖然,他死得有些凄涼,但那兩個心愛的女人的到場,讓他擁有了最寶貴的愛情。

        還有那個美麗的女子,埃斯梅拉達,她從來不知道什么叫顧慮,始終以最熱情的心態面對著自己豐富的人生。在流浪人群中,她頗受愛戴,她用最直接的方式讓我們看到了一顆天使般美麗的心靈。最終,她帶著微笑離開了這個世界,但在她的身后,我們清晰地看到了一種最豐盈的情感,最溫馨的愛。

        而充滿顧慮的人,每當踏上一片新的土地,每當遇到一個新的問題,內心就好像經歷了一次病痛的折磨。他們那么膽怯,那么多疑,他們總覺得眼前的世界是那么陌生,認為輕松的生活對于自己來說永遠是個夢。

        就像林黛玉,千里迢迢來到名聲顯赫的賈府,雖然有老太太的疼愛,雖然有眾姐妹的照顧,雖然有寶玉的體貼與呵護,但她總覺得這里不是自己的家,總也不能融入這個集體。于是,她處處小心,事事在意,唯恐出現一點的閃失,可最終還是“被人家笑話了去”。顧慮太多,便會在行動中表現得被動消極,情不由己,最終只能落得個整天面對著蒼天泣涕漣漣,讓人心生憐憫,卻又無能為力。

       2008年,那個曾經在人們心目中最完美的偶像,卻作出了一個讓人不能接受的決定:退出奧運會。當劉翔帶著一臉的痛苦與無奈轉身離去的那一瞬,帶給人們的是一份深深的遺憾,自己帶走的則是一聲無奈的嘆息。那一次,他應該是顧慮太多了。他的傷,誰都清楚,得不得第一,根本不重要,重要的,是他能夠以輕松的狀態出現在賽場上,讓所有關注他的人不會失望。如果當時他真的能夠放開自己,或許仍然能夠綻放出賽場上的輝煌。

        顧慮太多,真的會讓我們失去很多,因此,當我們面對生活有所猶豫時,應該用一種清楚的聲音不斷提醒自己:別讓太多的顧慮帶給自己太多的失意。

        【點評】

        此文得分為54分。得分原因是:思路清晰,對比鮮明,材料豐富,語言成熟。

        文章緊緊扣住寫作中心,圍繞“放下顧慮”這一話題展開分析,內容充實。主體部分作者選取對照式結構,分別從“輕松的人”和“顧慮太多的人”兩個角度進行論述。而且,每一個層次,又都以并列的結構組織素材,于連、埃斯梅拉達、林黛玉、劉翔,都有著很鮮明的典型性和代表性。這樣,整篇文章結構清晰,論述條理分明。同時,作者在語言運用方面充分體現了生動性的特征,給讀者帶來一種詩意的美感。

        【提升之道】

        素材運用相對集中,三個名著中的人物,一個現實中的偶像。可以聯系自然界中能夠體現這種哲理的事例,也可以引用我們學習生活中的具體現象,還可以關注一些社會熱點。這樣,文章內容才顯得更加豐富。

    <span New Roman';font-size:10.5pt;">    語言較為成熟,但仍可進一步雕琢,使之形成一種字里行間都透著美感的風格

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